The University Of Labradoria

A Message From Our Chancellor

Being appointed the founding Chancellor of the University of Labradoria has been a source of great pride such as I have not felt since winning the Australian National Retrieving Trial Championship against 60 of the country's best retrievers at Beaudesert in Queensland in 1997. Here at ULab we have labradored (a canine synonym for laboured or, as my American cousins say, labored), to provide cyber degrees of the highest quality to dogs of all breeds seeking a vocational education that will keep them fat and happy till the time comes to move on to the big kennel in the sky.

Ours is not just a vocational education though, important as this is in a globalising world. We aim also to produce dogs with lifestyle skills and a deep understanding of how humans think and act. I would hesitate to say that we teach our graduates how to exploit humans, but they do learn how to get the very best out of a species that can get very cranky with a dog working through basic therapeutic routines like dragging the washing off the line or digging up the dahlias. Our tailwagging degree teaches a dog that is not too fat to wag both tail and body simultaneously while lowering onto outstreched paws and looking up at the cranky human with big soft eyes. It is such attention to detail that keeps a dog out of serious trouble without cramping its enjoyment of life. This is just one example of what a ULab degree can offer.

We also believe in service to the community. Some of our best graduates have ended up as lead dogs in Pets as Therapy (PAT) programs. This involves visiting old humans, sick humans and others who get a kick out of having a slurpy tonguewash from a visiting pooch. Once again, with precise attention to detail, our graduates learn to have a big drink of water (milk if you can wangle it) before going on PAT visits---this leads to really liquid slurps and a higher level of satisfaction in the slurpee, that is, the person being slurped.

But despite all their learning, we encourage our graduates to never forget that, first and foremost, they are still dogs and should behave like dogs---take over the most comfortable chair, sleep right in front of the fire in winter, sleep on the bed if you can get away with it, pretend to limp if you need attention. A ULab dog is a natural dog.

I had not intended my Chacellor's message to degenerate into a commercial for the University of Labradoria but with the recent establishment of what can only be described as rival institutions such as the University of Dalmatia and the Rottweiler Institute of Attack Studies, it is important that all our intending students have a clear understanding of what we are offering that is different. If you do decide to join us at ULab you will be joining a happy friendly family where your life will be changed for ever. Remember, it's a dog's world.

Woofs and Wags

National Retrieving Trial Champion Hallcourt Woodpecker CM aka Ben




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